Can you believe how much younger and younger children are getting before they want to date? It s not unusual to discover kids thirteen years old and younger going out with friends on group dates. Or wait until your second grader talks about how they are going steady with one of their classmates even if they haven t even talked to that person yet. Talk about an open relationship!
Experiencing dating at an earlier age also carries with it negative consequences that affect not only the life of the teen but also the life of their family and community. Dating places a teen in the position of being alone with a member of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, although not physically present, they also are under the influence of pressure from their peer group to perform up to their group s expectations.
So what is a parent to do? How can they prepare their children for a positive dating experience?
Well to start, ensure that as your child is growing, that you have straightforward talks with them. Discuss sexuality. Talk about the couple you see hugging or kissing in public. You may or may not approve with these types of display in public, but you also can t ignore them. Your children don t. Talk with them about your ethics and morals so that they can see where your opinion comes from. However be sure that you are having a conversation and not just a lecture on what you think is right. Have an open discussion and you will find that your kids will confide in you.
Second, show the appropriate behavior yourself. Especially if you are a single parent. Show them that you practice what you preach on your dates. Children are much more observant than we may think, and they definitely learn from watching. So be sure to act the way you say you act. And regardless of whether you are single or married, maintain respect for one another and display the behavior that you expect from your children.
Talk with your teen about the criteria you will use in your decision about dating. Giving a blanket statement such as When you show the maturity to go out on a date! isn't an answer they ll understand. Instead use concrete examples of behavior you expect them to have. Tell them, Maturity means you ll do your chores without being constantly reminded, you ll live up to your potential in school, you will be a safe driver, you ll learn to control your anger, you ll make strong decisions about your friends and will accept the consequences of your behavior without an argument.
With the guidelines set, watch how they act. But be forgiving. Explain to them that to be mature and partake in dating they must display responsibility in all areas of their life as well.
Trust comes with maturity. Be sure that your children understand this. Let them realize that this trust is an earned priviledge, not a given one. Ensure that they show you responsibility in the smaller day to day things so that they can earn your trust for the larger items like dating. As an example, if they cannot be responsible in completing their homework, they cannot expect to have earned your trust on an important matter such as this.
One other small item of note when you do decide to let your child date, it would be a good idea to check with the local police to see if their is a child curfew in effect. Nothing would put a downer on a first date like being escorted home by the police.
When talking about your son or daughter dating include your own beliefs about dating, sexuality and how it all integrates into a relationship. Teens who have a consistent relationship with their own parents are more likely to understand their belief system and consider that in their own decisions. For instance, if the parent believes that sex should be something experienced after marriage and communicates that in a number of different ways as the child is growing and developing (including modeling that behavior if the parent is single) the child is more likely to exclude sex from their dating relationship.
By working with your child BEFORE they begin dating, you will find that the guidance you provide will have more worth to them and they are more likely to act responsibly and within your mandates.
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